By Caleb Howe


globalwarming

All right stop, collaborate and listen: the universe has chosen in recent weeks to teach everyone a little lesson about the pranks that fate likes to play on we humans. A group of scientists sallied forth into the hinterlands to research climate change, more commonly referred to as global warming, by recreating a 1912 expedition and then comparing findings. The better to show how the ice is melting. But a funny thing happened on the way to the forum: the “missing ice” investigators found ice. Or more accurately, found themselves in ice. Or more humorously, they were hoisted by their own canards.

Naturally those of us in the lucrative industry of global warming denialism (hereafter referred to as species-traitors) have taken the opportunity to point and laugh, much to the annoyance and tin foil hat throwing of the alarmist left. “Weather does not equal climate!” they shout. “Ice does not equal ice!” they imply. “you’re really goin to claim the term ‘global warming’ means that temperatures will literally get warmer?” they tweet.

Here at home, in the universe’s continuing and no doubt super frustrating mission to undermine the AGW faith, the United States is weathering a cold snap that has Science! shivering in their boots. Average Americans shoveling the snow are sneering at scientists who say that soon we’ll see scenarios with super storms and sweltering heat shifting the world to starvation and perhaps, the Stone age. Seriously, you guys!

And now the ice breaker sent to break Science! free from the mortal bonds of frozen global watering has called on the United States, that evil purveyor of all that is gassy and wasteful, to come and bail them out. The Coast Guard is literally headed south to rescue the expedition that has figuratively headed south. This is the final component in what has proven to be an orgy of fossil fuel consumption, including other rescue ships, a helicopter and of course, youtube videos of the pinned-down apocalypse postulaters singing songs, a vital role for any expeditious explorers of course.

The left at home continue to wring their hands over the whole affair, wondering into the dark just What is the Matter with Mother Nature. Like a petulant tea partier pining for smaller government, the earth doesn’t seem to understand that these Very Important feel-gooders know what is best for her. First she withheld her hurricane fury, then she captured this crew, and now she’s blanketing both blue states and red in beautiful, frozen effrontery.

What can the “settled science”-ists learn from these events? Will they think that perhaps they haven’t quite got climate nailed down? Perhaps they’ll ponder the many mysteries of Mother Nature yet to be unlocked? All signs point to HA HA HA! Of course they won’t. For doubting the devout of the global warming alarmists and elitists, regardless of whether any of their dire prophecies have ever come true (and, far be it from me to point out that none of them have), is the greatest crime you can commit against humanity. It’s like killing Santa Claus. LITERALLY. While we do silly things like drive stupid cars, heat stupid homes, and stupidly rescue people from freezing to stupid death, they shall remain apart, standing athwart history yelling “STOP FARTING.”

Truly, they are a noble breed.


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About 

Caleb Howe is a blogger, tweeter, and owner of shoes. He has been writing at RedState for a decade, and has also been a contributor to AOL’s Political Machine, Mediaite, and the men’s humor website Asylum. Caleb was born in the lost colony of Roanoke and raised by a pack of wild accountants. He has been described as “accidentally funny,” “annoying,” “a right wing nutbag,” and most commonly, “who??” A former graphic designer, web developer, and United States Marine, Caleb is now a full time internet schmuck and gadabout.

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