By Caleb Howe


globalwarming

All right stop, collaborate and listen: the universe has chosen in recent weeks to teach everyone a little lesson about the pranks that fate likes to play on we humans. A group of scientists sallied forth into the hinterlands to research climate change, more commonly referred to as global warming, by recreating a 1912 expedition and then comparing findings. The better to show how the ice is melting. But a funny thing happened on the way to the forum: the “missing ice” investigators found ice. Or more accurately, found themselves in ice. Or more humorously, they were hoisted by their own canards.

Naturally those of us in the lucrative industry of global warming denialism (hereafter referred to as species-traitors) have taken the opportunity to point and laugh, much to the annoyance and tin foil hat throwing of the alarmist left. “Weather does not equal climate!” they shout. “Ice does not equal ice!” they imply. “you’re really goin to claim the term ‘global warming’ means that temperatures will literally get warmer?” they tweet.

Here at home, in the universe’s continuing and no doubt super frustrating mission to undermine the AGW faith, the United States is weathering a cold snap that has Science! shivering in their boots. Average Americans shoveling the snow are sneering at scientists who say that soon we’ll see scenarios with super storms and sweltering heat shifting the world to starvation and perhaps, the Stone age. Seriously, you guys!

And now the ice breaker sent to break Science! free from the mortal bonds of frozen global watering has called on the United States, that evil purveyor of all that is gassy and wasteful, to come and bail them out. The Coast Guard is literally headed south to rescue the expedition that has figuratively headed south. This is the final component in what has proven to be an orgy of fossil fuel consumption, including other rescue ships, a helicopter and of course, youtube videos of the pinned-down apocalypse postulaters singing songs, a vital role for any expeditious explorers of course.

The left at home continue to wring their hands over the whole affair, wondering into the dark just What is the Matter with Mother Nature. Like a petulant tea partier pining for smaller government, the earth doesn’t seem to understand that these Very Important feel-gooders know what is best for her. First she withheld her hurricane fury, then she captured this crew, and now she’s blanketing both blue states and red in beautiful, frozen effrontery.

What can the “settled science”-ists learn from these events? Will they think that perhaps they haven’t quite got climate nailed down? Perhaps they’ll ponder the many mysteries of Mother Nature yet to be unlocked? All signs point to HA HA HA! Of course they won’t. For doubting the devout of the global warming alarmists and elitists, regardless of whether any of their dire prophecies have ever come true (and, far be it from me to point out that none of them have), is the greatest crime you can commit against humanity. It’s like killing Santa Claus. LITERALLY. While we do silly things like drive stupid cars, heat stupid homes, and stupidly rescue people from freezing to stupid death, they shall remain apart, standing athwart history yelling “STOP FARTING.”

Truly, they are a noble breed.


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About 

Caleb Howe is a blogger, tweeter, and owner of shoes. He has been writing at RedState for a decade, and has also been a contributor to AOL’s Political Machine, Mediaite, and the men’s humor website Asylum. Caleb was born in the lost colony of Roanoke and raised by a pack of wild accountants. He has been described as “accidentally funny,” “annoying,” “a right wing nutbag,” and most commonly, “who??” A former graphic designer, web developer, and United States Marine, Caleb is now a full time internet schmuck and gadabout.

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  • Skip V. Patel

    Somehow I missed it. Which rescue ship is the “United States, that evil purveyor” vessel? Is it the Australian icebreaker or the Red Chinese one?

    • Ranadicus

      Do the links in the article not answer that question?

    • Caleb Howe

      It’s in one of the links. Coast Guard ship.

      • Skip V. Patel

        Thanks! (I thought the U.S. outsourced this sort of mission to the Chi-Coms)

    • http://politicalknow.blogspot.com/ SheerPolitics

      The Australian and Chinese ice breakers, along with the original ship are all stuck in the ice that’s not supposed to be there. It’s beginning to look like a used car lot for ice breakers.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eWxCRReTV4&t=5m30s Booker

    I love it when another country says that we are the ones with a “vessel capable of assisting the beset vessels“. Best line of that article.

    By the way, why didn’t the global alarmists demand that they be saved by a ship powered by solar cells? Why did they allow themselves to be saved by a ship powered by the black gold?

    • http://cfp4us.org/ AmericanDuckie

      There’s an article?! I had so much fun reading Caleb’s description I didn’t even bother with an article lol.

    • toongoon

      Unfortunately, we are also the ones with people stupid enough to ignore the facts and then risk their lives to prove the facts wrong.

      • http://cfp4us.org/ AmericanDuckie

        You know toon, you struck on something here I’ve been thinking about for a long time. There’s an article to write in it somehow, but it never ceases to amaze me that most progressives, whether they’re peaceniks or greenies, most of them blame America for all the woes of the world- war or carbon bull crap. They go over to places like Egypt. Iran or North Korea, China or some place to try and show the peaceful culture that America has somehow oppressed or go save some whale or save ice in Antarctica- yet when they get stuck, held hostage or thrown in prison, who do they call? Who do they whine to? It’s incredible. They know damned well Americans will bust their butts to save their sorry a$$es.
        Sorry. That all just came out now.

        • toongoon

          You’re right. They are ones who corrupt the freedoms granted by the Constitution, spoiled by their parents and professors. Hateful toward those work and earn freedoms and happiness.

          • http://cfp4us.org/ AmericanDuckie

            Now see? You stated in 3 sentences what I couldn’t in 5 run on sentences lol.
            Well said and exactly.

  • DHardy

    We’re having a heat wave..

  • http://PolitiBrew.com Rshill7

    How fun was that to write Caleb?

    Kind of a rhetorical question. I say that only to avoid the possible embarrassment of no answer of course

    All I know is this…it was fun to read :-)

    • Caleb Howe

      Ha ha, thanks!

    • BlueGood

      Excellent Caleb…if you don’t mind, I will present your article at a Landowners Annual General Meeting on January 23….

      I was just invited to speak re: Eco~Fascists/Green Energy Crap/Endangered Species Act etc….for the second time for this group of Conservative Citizens in my County in Ontario!

      • http://PolitiBrew.com Rshill7

        BlueGood…Caleb might not get that message because you responded to me, so it showed up in my e-mail :-)

  • timsrighty

    HOW FRACKIN IRONIC? LOL!

  • sjmom

    This is one of those how dumb can you get? Very apparently.

  • BikerHoop

    In the wee hours of this morning, as I was laying in bed waiting for the coffee maker to brew me some joe, I heard this strange noise. I sat up in bed, straining my ears to try to discern what was making that noise. Deer rustling through the trees? Nope. My dog farting in his bed? Nope. DAMN! I couldn’t believe it! It was Mother Nature laughing her ass off!!

  • LIBERTYUSA

    …I thank God every night that it is God who is in control and not man.”

    • aposematic

      Bingo…truth is truth! All the Leftists’ BS can’t change that except in people with corrupt and/or weak minds.

  • FreeManWalking

    I think we have the makings of an icebreaker graveyard in Antarctica.

  • Kenneth G Maiden

    You could not make this up. LMAO

  • aposematic

    The hubris of man never ceases to amaze me. The thought that man, less in numbers and survival intelligence than ants, dare I mention cock roaches (but I digress), can control Mother Nature…laughable at best if not for the 1000’s of $Billions in fiat monies and human capital wasted on such buffoonery. Hello people, the DemonicRat Party is pure Demonic Evil and is out to do Satan’s wishes to destroy you and yours…wake up and smell the truth for once in your blissfully pitiful ignorant lives.

  • http://cfp4us.org/ AmericanDuckie

    Dang it Caleb, I cant add anything to that. You kill me!!

    Algore’s nightmare…..

    • Caleb Howe

      LOL thanks! … but I feel like they are looking at me. THEY’RE LOOKING AT ME AREN’T THEY??!??

      • http://cfp4us.org/ AmericanDuckie

        lol. well, the one down in the left corner maybe, but he looks friendly! :D

        • aposematic

          The one in front looks friendly, the one behind him…ouch….

          • http://cfp4us.org/ AmericanDuckie

            I know!! hahaha!!

        • Caleb Howe

          SNOMG

          • http://cfp4us.org/ AmericanDuckie

            Oh craaaaaaaaaaapp!! LOL!!

    • toongoon

      They look like undocumented democrats.

      • http://cfp4us.org/ AmericanDuckie

        lol. They ought to be holding protest signs for Obama phones or something.

      • clockwindingdown

        So as not to discriminate we need to allow them to vote!

        The left feels these voters are being suppressed, even though they appear to be white… Which means they are a “special class” in need of “special incentives.”

        Global warming might just be the issue… There must be away to exploit them to gain their votes…

        • toongoon

          I know right? How could we be so cruel as to demand that such nice snowmen be required to show an ID card???

          • clockwindingdown

            Are you trying to suppress votes?

            I will need to see some form of government ID before I can give you your EBT card..

            • toongoon

              Uh….uh……I can’t afford one.

              • clockwindingdown

                Sir, they’re free…

                But it costs me money to get there, I have to ride the bus.

                Sir, we gave you a pass.

                I’m busy.

                Sir, they are open Monday through Friday 8-6, Saturdays 9-3, once there it should take about half an hour. You can go anytime its convenient for you.

                Do you give out free cell phones?

                Yes sir, but the truck they are on is late today, you’ll half to wait or come back in a few hours.

                I’ll just hangout then, comes I’m gonna get me one of them.

                I see sir…

                • toongoon

                  ID? I don’ got no ID….I don’ need no stinkin ID!

                • clockwindingdown

                  Badges? We don’t need no stinkin badges! LOL!!!

  • aposematic

    Kudos Caleb! Excellent post…

    • Caleb Howe

      Thanks!

  • toongoon

    I love reading leftist comments espousing the importance of science to us small minded neanderthals, Did you know that everybody on the left is a great believer in science? That is of course, if the science results in loss of liberty and more money being taken from republicans and conservatives.

    It makes no difference what evidence there is that disproves global warming, every event is proof of AGW, from an average temperature summer day to record cold in the winter, from south side violence in Chicago to the growing Muslim Jihad worldwide.

    You would think they would feel some consolation that their efforts have stemmed the tide and world isn’t overheating but no, they feel the need to blame their opponents whenever the evidence blows up in their face. They have no clue that the scam that the Statists are playing and the followers are blindly advocating against the right will be just as devastating to the left.

    • timsrighty

      They try to throw God out door and bring in so-called science. You know they’re silly game. Same thing with evolution…it’s all liberal hogwash…don’t let it get to ya.

      • toongoon

        Satan did think he could do a better job.

    • clockwindingdown

      It’s not about the science, it’s about the power and money laundering. Science is just one tool being used…

      • toongoon

        It is the evil of Satan and he has many tools. The base of all attacks is the battle between good and evil.
        Unfortunately, we tend to focus on some of the tools in an effort to make it understandable.in our simplicity. When we think understand it, we are hit with another that we didn’t expect.

  • politicallycorrectNOT

    Still laughing, Caleb!!

    The Good Lord has a funny way of putting ALL of us in our places, when needed, but this is truly some righteous stuff!!….
    :-)

  • toongoon

    I wonder if the Chinese allowed the people to bring their protest signs on the helicopter when they rescued them.

    • http://cfp4us.org/ AmericanDuckie

      Only if they were protesting America.

      • toongoon

        Oh right. Of course.

        • http://cfp4us.org/ AmericanDuckie

          lol Hi Toon :)

          • toongoon

            Hello. From the great white midwest.

            • http://cfp4us.org/ AmericanDuckie

              lol. :D If it makes you feel any better, I’ve been shivering since Thursday morning. ;)

              • toongoon

                No. I don’t need others to share in my misery to feel better.
                Hope you have a good pair of gloves for that keyboard though.

                • http://cfp4us.org/ AmericanDuckie

                  lol mittens, but they’re warm. ;)

            • Dr. Strangelove

              No kidding, global warming is hitting us really hard in Iowa today.

  • tinlizzieowner

    You know, when all these snotty, elitist, situational hypocrites take off their ‘Spandex’ (oil) pants, put down their plastic (oil) helmets, get rid of their bicycles with the plastic (oil) seats, handle grips and synthetic rubber (oil) tires and throw away all those (paper) “Save The Trees!”, “Say No To War!”, “Recognize Global Warming!” signs they made with their Magic (oil) Markers, and stop posting snarky comments on the internet with their plastic(oil) computers, powered by atomic and coal fired power plants, maybe, just maybe, I’ll pay a little attention to them (naah, not really). ;-)

    • http://cfp4us.org/ AmericanDuckie

      Excellent!

    • clockwindingdown

      They want to band others from using and having them. As scientist they will need them to study things. Just like Al Gore(ing) whom wanted to shut down public lands! Except for scientist whom would be allowed on and to even live upon these lands. Of course not regular citizens, they just had to pay for the land thats all, for them it was restricted, verboten!

    • Dr. Strangelove

      I’ve pointed out before that while they have called this the jet age, the atomic age, the electronic age, the digital age, etc, etc. what it really has been since the dawn of the industrial revolution is the fossil fuel age. Coal, oil and gas are responsible for the greatest affluence the world has ever known.

      • tinlizzieowner

        And the ‘Situational Hypocrites’ who bi*ch most about it usually leave behind a ‘Carbon Footprint’, the likes of which would scare Godzilla.

        • Dr. Strangelove

          The irony of Bush’s place being much more eco-friendly than Gore’s was lost on the sheeple.

          • tinlizzieowner

            ‘Hanoi John’ Kerry’s yacht is real ‘eco friendly’ too.
            ;-) ;-)

            • Dr. Strangelove

              The SS Do As I Say, Not As I Do?

            • http://cfp4us.org/ AmericanDuckie

              Especially when he ‘parks’ it in another state.

              • tinlizzieowner

                To keep from having to pay ‘his fair share’ of the sky high taxes he voted for in Mass. for others to pay. Just like all the northeastern liberals who retire down here in Florida and then tell us how good it was, where they came from.
                (Hypocrites)

  • aposematic

    If there were a way to prevent Leftists from looking into mirrors all the problems of the World would instantly cease to exist.

  • sallyjohanna

    When will the Global warming activist read the signs…God is poking them in the chest saying…give it up…don’t you KNOW their is only one God and this is my divine creation…you don’t have a “snowballs” chance in hell of taking my place!

    Beware of lighting bolts reserved for the overly arrogant!

    • toongoon
      • clockwindingdown

        My favorite; “Who needs oil? I ride the bus.”

        You just can’t fake an intelligent argument like that… LOL!!!

        • toongoon

          LOL! Who needs farms? We have grocery stores.

          The left isn’t much good at critical thinking. That’s gotta be why they’re so angry.

          • clockwindingdown

            We don’t have to kill cows for meat, I can buy it at the store!

            • toongoon

              Good point. We should eliminate all cows from the face of the Earth. They fart and eat up the ozone.

              • clockwindingdown

                Cows are the cause of global warming, “No Cows No Global Warming… Know Cows? Know Global Warming!”

          • http://cfp4us.org/ AmericanDuckie

            I have had discussions like this with family members. sigh

            • BikerHoop

              LOL! I know a couple of folks who thought the same thing. Ya just can’t fix stupid.

              • http://cfp4us.org/ AmericanDuckie

                lol. pitiful isn’t it. ;)

                • BikerHoop

                  Yup… especially when you explain to them how it really works and they simply give you the ‘deer in the headlights’ look.

                • http://cfp4us.org/ AmericanDuckie

                  LOL YES!

      • sallyjohanna

        Touche…. This insanity is out of control. It is fear mongering and it feels arrogant, and defies common sense.

        I believe in a clean environment…that starts with our own waste and common sense.

      • lawngren

        Some really hilarious signs there!

  • sallyjohanna

    I had my twenty something niece in the family Christmas grab bag….I bought her what I thought was a cute purse….she text me to thank me…and said I love it and it is made by and eco friendly company….they are infecting our children!

    • toongoon

      Next time, I recommend a purse made from cuscus.

      • clockwindingdown

        I’d give something used, like a really old cell phone and tout the virtues of how eco friendly it is over the environmental impacts of making a new one…

      • Dr. Strangelove

        Or hemp if you want to be on the cutting edge of eco-fashion.

  • lawngren

    “freezing to stupid death”. ROFL! I like that! It sums up the whole situation concisely, precisely, and hilariously. Jon Stewart couldn’t have said it better.

    • Dr. Strangelove

      I got home and shoveled 4″ of global warming off of my sidewalk… it’s going down to -20 tonight. I could use a little of that global warming right now.

  • RevnantDream

    God has a great sense of humour.

    • Unafraid

      I have an inkling that God does not think they are funny.

  • Dr. Strangelove

    The hilarious part of this is that no matter how many times the global warmongers shout, “Climate change!” the sheeple already have global warming fixed in their minds. Just like Obamacare.

  • John Queue

    Mr. Howe… you’ve once again caused me to laugh out loud even though no one was around to hear it…go figure. Scoop does have a knack for recognizing writing talent, I’ll give him that! :) So good to have you here.

  • boats48

    One thing about a liberal and the liberal train of thought; They are never wrong! When faced with insurmountable proof to the contrary, they immediately begin repeating their talking points and pointing out that we are stupid troglodytes. After all, we’re the anti-science crowd!

  • CHERT38676

    climate change…..SPRING,SUMMER,FALL,WINTER yep fossil fuels did it in my 60 years of living i have seen harsh winters,mild winters,cold winters,warm winters all kinds of winters, never the same, never going to be the same…..even if obama,kerry, or gore tax us to death …….. these guys stuck in the ice should count the fish in the ocean while they are there

  • spin43

    Savage is demanding reparations from the fraudulent global warming scientists and scam artists like Al Gorleoni.

  • spin43

    This can’t be happening if Brian Williams isn’t reporting it.

  • johnfromjersey

    Lucky you Caleb. You got to write about this ongoing cartoon show. I mean, how often does a writer get such great punch lines given to them, especially from the so-called scientists.

  • Flashbang

    And just who is going to pay for this rescue mission?

  • USMC 64-68

    Those in the progressive church of Darwinian Marxist Environmentalists not only insist that there is a “scientific consensus” that global warming is real, they’re still sticking with their position that the emperor Obama wears some might fine threads.

  • imatellau

    Who are the flat earthers now?

  • oldeagle145

    When those idiots say that arctic ice is thinner than it has ever been, just give them this pic. In 1962 The USS Skate and the USS Seadragon surfaced at the North Pole in open water. The following year it was too thick to break through. Weather and climate are cyclical period. I am so sick and tired of these turds and their propaganda.

    http://wattsupwiththat.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/seadragon-and-skate-north-pole-1962.jpg?w=640

  • B-Funk

    Wonderfully written Mr. Howe! I promote you to Chief of Snark for all of Right Scoop! ^_~ I’m going to start referring to myself as a species traitor around the libs.

  • Crashrash

    I just have one question: Can I have my lightbulbs back now?