In his latest Weekly Address, President Obama addresses the role of working women, wisely wondering whether women were rewarded with wages which were worth their work, or were women’s wages wan and weak when weighed. Weawwy.
Wike so … harumph. Like so many of his recent addresses, President Obama lets us know that the topic he is here to discuss is one he first shared on a college campus. This is important because most Americans won’t trust something that hasn’t been vetted by at least a few drunken frat brahs.
The President notes that women make up about half of the work force, and over half of college graduates. He says that our economy hasn’t caught up to this new reality, although he fails to cite specific examples like the nationwide lack of Care Bear quotes in corporate memos. In any case, the point is these chicks need a big strong man to come in and save them. For equality.
The President suggests that too many women face workplace policies that hold them back, though again fails to mention anything specific. Which is fine because we all know women and minorities are hardest hit, no matter the circumstance. YOU MISOGYNIST.
The President points out that women should be given paid leave to care for sick children, because as you know, men have nothing to do with children. This type of gender specific law in no way flies in the face of the insistence of feminists that women are exactly the same as men in every single way, he said with a wink and nudge.
President Obama also points out that women are a good reason for us to raise the minimum wage, because it’s way worse when women make the minimum wage than when men do. Because men are icky and gross and women smell pretty and also stickers.
Luckily the President takes a moment to have a commercial for Pie pizzas, which we can only assume helps pay for these weekly addresses. I, of course, would never stoop to product pitching. I’m not sponsored, I’m independent and strong, just like Dr. Pepper.
The President again reminds us of $10.10, and says it’s time to give America a raise, which is a nice notion but leaves one wondering when it’s going to be time to give America a casual Friday. I mean as long as we’re using the government to tell people how to run their businesses, let’s go for the brass ring guys. It just makes sense.
President Obama concludes that a true opportunity agenda is one that works for working women, which is an example of how a sentence can not mean anything. Sometimes you have to fill those sentence agendas with words that are in it.
When women succeed, America succeeds, says the President. This is also good advice for a marriage. So make sure you send your wife to China and Hawaii every few weeks, guys. That’s what opportunity means.
Until next week, ladies and men. Hear me roar. Or you roar. I don’t know, something something Katy Perry.