President’s Weekly Address: Good For You, Sucky Republican Jerks

In this week’s scolding, President Obama breaks from his usual pattern and decides to backhandedly criticize republicans. Say it ain’t so! Portions of the transcript are below, but for the tl;dr …

Obama: Republicans finally sort of barely broke the plane of maybe not being America-hating, anti-poor, racist, obstructionist doody heads for like, a second, and allowed the beneficent, goodly, and all-around keen Democrats to do the blessed work that such angelic benefactors as they needs must always strive for.

Translation below.

For the first time in years, both parties came together in the spirit of compromise to pass a budget – one that helps chart our economic course for the next two years. This budget will unwind some of the damaging cuts that have threatened students and seniors and held back our businesses.

Cutting spending is bad, mm-kay? We stopped that noise.

And it will keep reducing our deficits – at a time when we’ve seen four years of the fastest deficit reduction since the end of World War II.

Cutting spending is bad, but cutting spending is good. Because magic!

Members of Congress also voted to finally allow several dedicated and well-qualified public servants to do their jobs for the American people – many of whom waited months for a simple yes-or-no vote.

FINALLY!! Stupid worthless rethuglicans.

So after a year of showdowns and obstruction


That only held back our economy, we’ve been able to break the logjam a bit

A bit. Rethuglicans.

It’s a hopeful sign that we can end the cycle of short-sighted, crisis-driven decision-making and actually work together


[more about how crappy congress is. blah blah, Someday people will get out of my way, yadda yadda yadda.]

And of course, the conclusion.

Thank you. Have a great weekend and a very Merry Christmas.

Santa isn’t white, RETHUGLICANS.

And there you have it. All the fake, faint praise meant to rebuke you that can fit into one short web video. President Obama’s routine was a lot funnier when it was done by Monica’s mom on Friends. And that’s my weak 90s tv reference joke of the day. You’re welcome.

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