This Week, President Obama is sticking with the year of action theme, and the “I’ve taken action because everyone else is crap and also I’m awesome” narrative.
Obama says he wants to restore opportunity for all, by using his “opportunity agenda”, thereby giving everyone the opportunity to have their hard work rewarded because they had the opportunity to take advantage of an opportunity. That opportunity being getting more money for their current jobs. Some people call that a raise. But we call it an opportunicrease.
He encourages everyone to find people who think that we shouldn’t raise the minimum wage and ask them, why not? He doesn’t say to grab them by the shirt collar and shake them while wearing pajamas and pouring hot cocoa on their laps, but I mean it’s obviously implied, people. Geez.
The President lays out the logic for the minimum wage increase. Partly it’s because under his administration, rich people keep getting richer, which is really bad because rich people should be getting poorer, and he is very disappointed in the Obama administration for not realizing that. Also, raising the minimum wage will help the economy because people will have more money to spend, but no one will have less money to spend because taxes come straight out of unicorn butts so everything is fine you guys.
He says that in order to create all these unicorn anus opportunities, or whatever, Congress needs to act. Which tells us both his phone AND his pen are not working at the moment, which is a super big deal and can probably be blamed on global warming or the Olympics.
Obama says the wage should be raised to ten dollars and ten cents an hour. He then assures us “that’s easy to remember. Ten ten.” Which is good because until he put it that way I was having a serious anxiety attack. I mean after all, 37 countries scored higher than us in math. That’s like 50 countries!
And finally, Obama uses phrases like “hi everybody” and “the folks” throughout the whole video, so that we know he is just one of us regular Presidents and not some buttoned-up elite Washington insider like Ted Nugent. Which definitely made me feel down home and earthy. I practically had a piece of hay in my mouth while he was talking, folks!
And that’s your Weekly Address. Remember to tip your waitresses, vote for opportunity, and above all, berate your friends and family. Until next time!