The Secret White House Squirrel Society delivers this transcript of Barack Obama and Robert Gibbs during last night’s electoral strategy meeting.
Obama: Gibbs, have a seat.
Gibbs: (sits)
Obama: Not at the conference table! We’ve set up a card table with plastic chairs over there.
Gibbs: My knees are hitting the table, sir
Obama: Good, you’re comfortable. Now we’ve got some problems that you need to work out for us.
Gibbs: You see, it’s this booster seat…
Obama: The Republicans, there’s getting all this dirty capitalist money all up in our elections.
Gibbs: It’s really quite cramped and my butt’s going numb.
Obama: Soros tells me he can’t stop these Tea Party People. It’s like an avocado launch or something.
Gibbs: Avalanche?
Obama: No thanks, Michelle says it’s fattening.
Gibbs: But Soros promised us, with his engineered recession, manipulation of the stock market, and dismantling of the Dollar, people wouldn’t have the spare cash to donate to the GOP.
Obama: He says it’s not working. I think it’s foreigners. They’re trying to prop up democracy and I can’t let that stand!
Gibbs: How are they getting it passed the FEC? Prepaid credit cards?
Obama: No
Gibbs: Disabling fraud security on their website credit card authorization?
Obama: Nope
Gibbs: Bundling donations over the legal cap with people who can’t afford a can of beans or a second bedroom for their five children?
Obama: Not at all. They aren’t using any of our accepted practices.
Gibbs: Then what dastardly route are they taking.
Obama: The Chamber of Commerce.
Secret Service Agent: Dun Dun Duuuuun
Gibbs: Capitalists!
Obama: Where?!
Gibbs: In the Chamber of Commerce
Obama: Oh . . My . . Self! It’s worse than I thought.
Gibbs: So, the Capitalists are coming, Soros fails us, what else could go wrong?
Obama: Palin’s writing another Facebook post.
Gibbs: *sigh* Ever time she writes a post we lose another Democrat operative in the Republican Party.
Obama: So, how are you going to fix all this?
Gibbs: Why are you asking me?
Obama: Because Gibbsy, we’re picking you to be the new head of the DNC
Gibbs: What? Really?
Obama: Sure. No one else is dumb enough to do it.
— Follow me on Twitter TheRealMirCat